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Top Ten Ways Your Dog is Not Human

Adorable, yes. But your dog is not your baby. True, they’re loving, affectionate, loyal, smart, great friends and companions and so darn cute. But they are not your babies. For one thing, they are so much easier than babies: always even-tempered, fun, cuddly and, best of all, can be left alone for hours. They don’t get angry, grow up and leave home, then return at inconvenient times. For another, they do a lot of gross, non-human stuff.

Yet, I admit, it is easy to forget they're not one of us, even the best of us. So here's the top 10 countdown to remind yourself that your dog, however lovable, is not a human:

#10: Dog vomit will strip the varnish right off your floor.

Human vomit does not strip paint off wood. Dogs have 10 times more hydrochloric acid in their stomachs than humans.

If your dog throws up on your beautiful stained or painted floor, clean it up fast.

doggie puke stain

#9: Dogs love indiscriminately.

Have you ever met a human who liked everybody? Some might

argue loving without judgement is divine. A dog's lack of discrimination might be divine, but it's just ... not human!

#8: Dogs eat grass

Experts say dogs don't eat grass because they need to vomit, but it may be because they need more fiber. Or else they just like grass.

My dog Ajax eats grass because he will eat anything. Although I've heard of people eating wheatgrass, I don't think they'll be grazing out in the yard any time soon.

#7. Dogs get stuck together when they have sex.

This would be so inconvenient to

the man looking for casual romance. Called "tying off" (sounds a little like "tying the knot" doesn't it?), the bulbus glandis in the dog's penis swells with

ejaculation. I recall the first time I saw it as a child. The two unfortunates were publicly humiliated as a neighbor threw a pot of water on them. Which of course, does not work. The dog can't untie from the bitch for at least 15 to 30 minutes. Once I discovered my incredibly horny Beagle Trixie tied off with my castrated Retriever-mix Ru. Ru was howling but Trixie had a self-satisfied grin on her face.

#6. Dogs meet and greet by sniffing butts.

This is an obvious one, but did you know that the scents

produced by a dog's anal glands advertise its gender and reproductive status, health, diet and even emotional state? If only humans could read other humans so easily. It would probably eliminate online dating as an industry.

#5: Dogs drink from toilets.

No, this is not a dog puking after a party.

Need I say more?

#4. Dogs growl and bite when defending their territory.

Nobody ever accused a dog of hypocrisy.

If only humans could learn this trick, maybe we could eliminate guns.

#3: Dogs roll around in stinky, dead things.

The theory goes that this behavior harks back to a dog's wolf heritage, when covering the natural scent helped the wolf creep up on prey. Personally, I think it's just because dogs love stinky stuff.

#2. A female in heat will sometimes hump the head of a castrated male who refuses to have sex.

Some women are aggressive but I doubt any have demonstrated this particular behavior. However, I have witnessed a bitch in heat and it's an awesome thing. When Trixie the Beagle was in heat, she used to grab poor Ru's head with her front paws and hump away.



Ru was big, but passive. He just stood there. I did not try to make them stop but I admit I did shoo them away one time when they were doing it on the deck, in front of house guests. I figured Trixie was just trying to show him the ropes. Ru was neutered so he couldn't really oblige but I guess he finally figured it out because there was that one time when they got stuck together. Miraculous!

#1: Dogs eat their own vomit.

For me the number one reason dogs are not human is that they eat vomit. Mama dogs vomit food for their babies; adult dogs eat their own. Especially if there are tasty morsels in it.


For example, if I don't make him slow down, Ajax tends to inhale his food, drink a ton of water, then immediately throw up. The food is still good, so he takes a sniff, then licks it all up. That's OK by me -- less to clean. I shield my eyes till he's finished, hold my breath and clean up the slime. I love my dog, but he definitely is not human.


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